I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
