what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
