And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
