I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
