proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm both gender and math confused
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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