I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
