so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
false alarm, still single
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
