Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
