if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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