girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So many bounce houses so little time
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
