I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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