I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
