i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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