My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
