Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
