3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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