I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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