Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
