Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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