I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
