i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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