Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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