he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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