ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
