How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
