I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
