She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
