We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
