Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
