do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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