you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
