sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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