I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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