I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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