I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
