oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I still have a little drunk in my system
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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