She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
