you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
