I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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