I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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