Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
