It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
