He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
