I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
