I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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