She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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