Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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