Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
