Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
