Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just tell him i said nine months
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
