I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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