Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i now understand why vodka
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
