cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
