Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
