we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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