they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
